(Good) Enough

After writing a post on Facebook, I asked myself: "Why? What is it for? What am I trying to say here?"

And I guess, this is what I was trying to say:

There is a constant, internal battle. A little questioning voice. And the question on endless loop is: "Have I done enough? Was it good enough? Should I have tried harder? ... Am I good enough?"

And this morning I took a step back and realised, with a smile, that I did, it was, no and YES.

It wasn't about the homemade pasta, or the sheer enjoyment of a new kitchen appliance that needed celebrating (though, let's face it, new appliances are worth celebrating!). It was about answering my own questions.

I don't get up at the crack of dawn to prepare for the day. I don't meditate and practice mindfulness in a regular way. My life doesn't seem very disciplined or routined. And that has been bothering me.
Surely, I have been lacking in some way.
But my hastily written Facebook post helped me see this:

Every morning I get up and make my children's snacks and lunches for school. The content is not really important, though I am intentional about good content for our growing children.
Whilst I am in the kitchen preparing their meals, they join me, one by one and we talk.
They tell me about their fears for the day, or their dreams in the night. They discuss the subjects they will have today and their like/ dislike of the current topics.
(This morning I spent a long time listening to one of our children talk about a book they are reading in class. She was concerned about its suitability for her, as it was about a serial killer. She is 11 and completely right to bring this to me. I have already written to her teacher.)
I listen and ask questions, as I throw together muffins and smoothies. I don't need recipes for either, they are ingrained and muscle memory now.
Sometimes I pause to sit and make eye contact, when it seems necessary.
I turn up and am present. That is the enough I often don't recognise because I compare myself to the ideals held up to me.

When my children return from school, I am here. We talk (mostly I listen) about their day. Some days I get the lesson by lesson run down ... x 4. It takes a while.
Sometimes, they are worn out from the day and need to decompress first. Then those conversations happen at dinner, which we have together, every day. (Again, the content doesn't matter. I feel no guilt about the take aways or pot noodles that sometimes save my sanity!)
But again, I show up. I flex with their needs. We flow together as an organic microcosm, adapting, changing, meeting the needs before us.
I say us, because our children are learning the value of connectivity and respond to each other in this process.
They ask questions of each other. They listen. Laugh. Share.

At the end of the day, I pause to think about their needs ... were they met, if they were mine to meet? Do I need to pop into a bedroom a final time, whisper a few more words, give another hug?

A lot of what I have described falls under my role as parent. But I think a lot of my inner questions are about this aspect of my life. It is not all there is to me, but it is the part that seems to matter in different ways.
I am raising human beings, that will spread their wings and take off to their destinies and I have a crucial role to play for a season of their lives. One that will shape them and allow them to shape themselves (if I do my job well) and that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives, as I carry my childhood experiences with me.

I am aware of the responsibility and daunted by it. And yet, every once in a while I get a glimpse of the ENOUGH that I live.
I am not perfect and I guess I could try harder. But I am enough.

I hope that in my clumsy attempts to make sense of my motivations for myself, I have given you a glimpse of your ENOUGH. The areas of life that cause you to question and doubt. Remember, don't forget: You are enough.